RESOURCES

References compiled by Bonnie Stephenson, Saddleback College Librarian, 3/99 - Last updated 3/2000

As an Instructor at Saddleback College, Jan wrote the curriculum for the class Human Relationships and taught it each semester. Since retiring from the College, Jan occasionally teaches this class in an eight week format. The course was and is an adventure in understanding relational interconnections and the things that make us whole. Although schools offer sex education, students are not taught 'relationship
education' and this impacts all the phases of ones life!" says Jan.

The following links follow the subject areas from the class and readily give us all helpful information as we navigate relationships and the issues they initiate! The text for the class is The Space Between Us written by Ruthellen Josselson. It is an excellent resource for anyone looking into “healthy” relationships!

Clicking on these links will connect you to over 100 resources. Enjoy!

The Cycle of Change

Awakenings: Tools for Psychological and Spiritual Growth
http://www.lessons4living.com

Dan Johnston Ph.D. has compiled this site focusing on the cycle of change in everyone's lives. In some areas, you are being led into change, and in others, you are the person who is leading others into change. It is possible to be on several cycles of change in separate stages at once. The four phases of emotional change are loss, suffering, hope, and happiness. How people cope with change and the stresses that change produces are directly related to their individual personalities and their attitudes. 

 

Career Development through Self-Renewal
http://ericae.net/edo/ED358378.HTM

For most people, any type of change is difficult. This article by Bettina A. Lankard focuses on changing career expectations, changing life views, negotiating changes, mastering self-renewal, and self-renewal for career development. It is extremely important to find meaning in our work, and it is the responsibility of each individual to effect the change necessary to reinvent work so that it has personal significance. Everyone must find meaning and community in their work if they want to be alive. An excellent bibliography of additional resources is also provided. 

 

Life Transitions - Birth to Adulthood
http://childdev.web.net/Transiti.htm

This life transition guide focuses on the four principal development areas: the first year of life, beginning school, entrance to adolescence, and finally to adulthood. Life transitions mark a point in a young person’s development where there has been a change in their setting or status. The unique outcome for each stage is not the result of any single factor, but their cumulative and interactive effect. Each stage is explored in great detail, with excellent links and additional resources provided. 

 

Life Transitions - Elderhood
http://www.aarp.org/programs/transitions/home.html#intro

Each of us goes through many life changes. As we grow older, changes in our lives continue. Most of us can expect to live longer than in any prior time in history. Because of increased longevity, we can expect to stay married longer, yet we are also more likely to divorce, become widowed, and remarry. The rapid advances in technology will allow more of us than ever before to recover from a serious illness. This site, sponsored by AARP focuses on some of the transitions faced by elderly people such as: loss of a spouse through death or divorce; taking care of one's grandchildren; and estate planning. 

 

The Natural Rhythms
http://www.trinity.edu/~mkearl/time.html#in

The behavior of our ancestors was strictly controlled by natural rhythms--e.g. the solar, lunar, and seasonal cycles. The human body is comprised of many difference clocks and cycles. Each cell, tissue, and organ has its own clock that determines its lifespan. These clocks, in turn, become captured within the rhythms of nature. Cycles and rhythms create physical or mental changes for all living things. This page is part of a larger website on various types of time-- click on the link at the bottom of the page to get to the time index page.

Return to Index

The Space Between Us: Exploring the Dimensions of Human Relationships,
by Ruthellen Josselson

	Chapters 1 & 2 The Discourse of Relatedness & Yearning (Wo)Man
	My Virtual Reference Desk – Relationships  http://www.refdesk.com/relate.html   Numerous web links relating to all aspects and phases of relationships, from dating to marriage to divorce. Scroll down the page beyond the subject table to gain access to the links in alphabetical order.    What Does Heinz Kohut Mean by the "Self", by Rudolf Süsske  http://www.selfpsychology.org/papers/susske_self_english04.htm   This scholarly paper is based on a lecture presented under the same title at a meeting of the "Society for the Philosophy and Sciences of the Psyche" (Berlin, May 8, 1997). Discussion of the conceptual foundations of both his therapeutic practice and his intellectual excursions into sociology, art, and history are included in this work.    Relational Models Theory Overview  http://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/anthro/faculty/fiske/relmodov.htm   Essay by Alan Page Fiske of UCLA describing what a "social relationship" is, and then describes four elementary relational models that people use to coordinate all kinds of social interaction, thought, values, and emotions. Includes empirical studies across the social sciences, including anthropological fieldwork, as well as links to other web sites on relational models theory.  Return to Index
	Chapter 3: Holding
	Constant Agony - Adult Child Holocaust Survivors  http://www.holocaust-trc.org/agony.htm   The Holocaust Teacher Resource Center has included this professional paper on the interactive psychotherapy of a child survivor of the Holocaust, who now is in middle age. Throughout the survivor's life there has been a constant ordeal of an individual experience of survival and suffering caused by the continual breaks and losses in life's sequences. The unique experience of children who did survive found they suffered long-term effects on their adult lives.    What To Do When Your Baby Cries by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.  http://www.awareparenting.com/article1.htm   There are two reasons why babies cry: the first is to communicate a need or discomfort, and the second is to consider the possible emotional reasons for crying. When a baby cries, it can bring up feelings in you of anxiety, helplessness, frustration, incompetence, and even anger and hostility. This article will help to explain some of the emotional pain a baby is experiencing.  Return to Index
	Chapter 4: Attachment
	Attachment Theory  http://galton.psych.nwu.edu/greatideas/attachment.html   Attachment theory tries to describe and explain people's patterns of relationships from birth to death. There appears to be an evolutionary basis for the theory, relating it to sociobiology. This site is maintained by G. Scott Acton, a personality psychologist, and includes many links to other attachment theory websites.    Grief and Loss Resource Centre  http://www.rockies.net/~spirit/grief/grief.html#top   This site is divided into three sets of category links. The first set includes grief and bereavement resources, called "Grief Links." The second set is devoted to various "losses" in our lives, other than death, that involve varying degrees of grief, called "Loss Links." The third set is comprised of links to Memorials collections.  Growth House, Inc.  http://www.growthhouse.org   Growth House, Inc. provides information resources and referral services on grief, death and dying issues. This site covers topics such as care for the dying; major illness like cancer and AIDS, with a special section on eldercare; grief and bereavement links; and a search engine to locate help on other topics such as hospices, funeral planning, pain control, and infant loss.   Attachment Parenting: A Style that Works: William Sears, M.D.  http://www.bconnex.net/~cspcc/daycare/attach.htm   Pediatrician Dr. Sears promotes Attachment Parenting which provides many suggestions and tips to help new parents develop a healthy atmosphere to raise a newborn child. The two main goals of attachment parenting are allowing parents to know their child, and to help their child feel right. Topics covered on this page include creating a peaceful pregnancy, breast-feeding, responding to the child's needs, sleeping arrangements, building self-esteem, and creating intimacy.    Adult Attachment Lab/Dept of Psychology/UC Davis  http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/Shaver/lab.html   UC Davis' Psychology Department maintains the Adult Attachment Lab, allowing research that focuses on understanding the development and transfer of attachment relationships in adulthood, reactions to separation and loss, and the defensive regulation of the attachment system and interpersonal behavior. This site contains many links to current research and related resources.  Return to Index
	Chapter 5: Passionate Experience
	Love and Addiction - Author's Preface  http://peele.sas.nl/lib/laapf.html   The book "Love and Addiction", by Stanton Peele and Archie Brodsky, was published long before the theory of addictive behavior became popular. This preface to the 1991 edition describes a chronology of addiction-related literature, and further describes addiction as an all-or-none thing: either you have it or you don't. The premise of the authors is that relationships can be just as addictive as drugs and alcohol, and that addictions of any type are not diseases.    Harry's Theory  http://www.geocities.com/Paris/Metro/9878/harrystheory.html   This site is a personal web page from a person who is discussing Harry Burn's speech about sex and relationships from the movie "When Harry Met Sally." If you scroll down the page six paragraphs and click on the link to view the script, you will see the actual text of Harry's speech as it appeared in the movie.    Is Sex Good For You?  http://bewell.com/healthy/sexuality/1997/sexfgy/sexfgy.asp   Passionate experience involves several factors, including intimacy. This Healthgate Data site explores how good sex will improve one's overall health. But what is good sex? "Anything that promotes intimacy and closeness seems to be good for your health," says Anthony Fiore, Ph.D. Physical touch and a close relationship actually increase chemicals in the body to protect against disease. Oxytocin in one of the chemicals that will promote feelings of affection and care-taking behaviors in humans.   Success FAQs on Singles, Dating & Relationships  http://www.successways.com/index.html   This site contains answers to FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions) about meeting and connecting with people of one's choice, with separate sections for males and female questions. If the answer to your question is not listed, there is a link to submit your new question. There is also a section on the philosophy of men and women meeting, as well as links to additional resources on dating and relationships.    AEGIS (AIDS Education Global Information Site)  http://www.aegis.com   AEGIS (AIDS Education Global Information Site) and The Sisters of Saint Elizabeth of Hungary in San Juan Capistrano maintain this very extensive website on all forms of help, information, education, and support for AIDS and HIV. This site is updated hourly; includes links to newspapers, legal and medical publications, government and private research, and more links.    SaferSex.org: An Online Journal of Safe Sexuality  http://www.safersex.org/   This electronic journal offers straightforward and direct information on safe sex practices, AIDS and HIV, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and promotes in print, as well as videos, the proper use of condoms. Readers can explore specific topics that interest them, with ease and privacy, and without the threat of censorship. Site is currently being overhauled to add more material, so check back often. All sexually transmitted diseases are preventable, so use this site to educate yourself.    UCLA Newlywed Project  http://www.psych.ucla.edu/Resources/newed/   The UCLA Psychology Department conducted a research study called "Newlywed Project: A Study on Marriage and Family Development" to determine how couples resolve their difficulties and handle life transitions during the first four years of marriage, what emotional baggage each person brought to the new union, and what stressful events each spouse and couple had to endure. There is a section on martial humor under the Findings link that will provide some clues as to how couples cope.   Go Ask Alice! Columbia University's Health Education Program  http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/index.html   This extensive website provides college students with information on such topics as relationships, sexuality, sexual health, emotional health, fitness and nutrition, alcohol and drugs, as well as general health. The New Alice! Q&As of the Week section is updated every Friday with information from the prior week's questions. The Search Alice! archives section contains more than 1,400 previously posted questions and answers, searchable by subject or keywords.    Male Fertility in Relation to Union Formation and Dissolution  http://aspe.hhs.gov/fathers/cfsforum/apenf.htm   This scholarly essay discusses the legal, biological, and emotional connections of males on their ability to produce children throughout their lifetime. The greatest factor on the man being given access to his child depends on his relationship with the child's mother. The relationship is viewed in the context of commitment, communication, emotional intimacy, power, and social embeddedness. Ethnicity and geography are found to have extreme influence on the sexual behavior, contraception, and abortion patterns.  Return to Index
	Chapter 5A: Passionate Experience/Domestic Violence
	Husband Battering  http://www.vix.com/pub/men/battery/commentary/dgross-hbat.html   The topic of husband battering is a source of jokes (such as the cartoon image of a woman chasing her husband with a rolling pin). Many people don't take the subject seriously because men are usually physically larger and exert more strength than women; the abuse of men is a rarely discussed phenomenon. This site includes research study results which conclude that women are more likely to abuse their men and children. One in every 14 cases of abuse is that of a battered husband.    Kathy's Essential Information on Abuse, Assault, Rape & Domestic Violence http://www.mcs.net/~kathyw/abuse.html This is a resource index for abuse and domestic violence, with each link rated as to the age-appropriateness of every resource. The site includes a 24-hour-a-day hotline staffed by trained counselors ready to provide immediate crisis intervention assistance to those in need on a confidential basis.    Sexual Abuse of Males: Prevalence, Lasting Effects, and Resources http://www.jimhopper.com/male-ab One in six boys is sexually abuse before the age of 16. This site provides statistics on male abuse, with resources for getting help. The creator of the page is a psychologist specializing in treating victims of childhood sexual abuse. Fourteen different themes are listed as causes for lasting psychological effects on males who have been sexually abuse. Site includes links for additional resources to help victims of abuse, including suggested reading lists.    RESPOND, Inc. - Services for Battered Women and Children  http://www2.shore.net/~respond/   A Boston-area group provides support for battered women and children seeking refuge from situations of violence and abuse. Included in this site is a checklist of behaviors that constitute an abusive situation. This site includes a list of services provided by the organization, as well as many ways to contact the organization.    Laura's House - Committed to Ending Violence Against Women  http://www.laurashouse.org/   This is a website in South Orange County for battered and bruised women with children who are victims of abuse. This site offers resources for restraining orders, shelter, and counseling services. Many different activities are included as fund-raisers to provide the necessary services to the battered women and children.    Domestic Violence Hotlines http://www.feminist.org/911/crisis.html   This site is produced by the Feminist Majority Foundation with telephone numbers for all of the major domestic violence hotlines. This organization has coast-to-coast coverage for their hotline connections. The hotline sites are available only Monday through Friday.    NOW and Violence Against Women  http://www.now.org/issues/violence/index.html   The National Organization For Women (NOW) has a very extensive website, which includes links to the full text of federal legislation on domestic violence and battered women, as well as abuse statistics. There are also position papers with bibliographies on domestic violence survivors, welfare reform, family violence, and hate crimes.    Psychiatric Times - Understanding the Dynamics of Abusive Relationships  http://www.mhsource.com/pt/p960926.html   Psychiatric Times is an electronic journal published online by Mental Health InfoSource. This article by Gary J. Maier, M.D. discusses the cycle of dynamics in abusive relationships and cites reasons why women are more frequently abused than men. A model for managing aggression based on the dynamics of a "fair fight", and the dynamics of repetitive aggression are discussed.    SafetyNet Domestic Violence Resources  http://home.cybergrrl.com/dv/   This site offers resources and information to help victims of domestic violence. Statistics and education information have been complied by the National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women in Philadelphia. A domestic violence handbook prepared by Peace At Home in Boston has been included, as well as hotlines and shelter contacts. Resources and bibliographies are listed for every state in the United States and some locations in Europe.    Domestic Violence  http://walnut.lasheriff.org/women.htm   This domestic violence handbook is published by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department to help battered women gain control of their legal rights in situations of domestic violence. These officers are able to help with all aspects of dealing with a domestic abuse complaint, whether it is obtaining a restraining order or filing a domestic abuse charge.  Return to Index
	Chapter 6: Eye-to-Eye Validation
	Validation  http://eqi.org/valid.htm   Emotional Intelligence, Inc. offers this site on validation, which is defined as demonstrating that we care about a person and that their feelings matter to us-- in other words, that they matter to us. By "mirroring" someone's feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. Some of the primary ways of validation are through good listening skills and being patient. Many examples for improving your validation skills are found on this page.    The Building Blocks Of Emotional Nourishment - Validation  http://www.living-library.com/HeartMates/valid.htm   Validation starts with empathy: the sharing of another person's emotions. Children need to have all their feelings "validated" in order to learn how to express their full range of emotions in appropriate ways. Validation for children's emotions occurs when we provide them with a "mirroring face" to reflect back approval for their various expressions of joy, sadness, anger, and so on. This site offers information on a variety of emotions and parenting skills to help nurture and develop children 's emotions.  Return to Index
	Chapter 7: Idealization & Identification
	Role Models: Step Up to the Pedestal  http://www.lifetimetv.com/WoSport/stage/TOPISS/html/rolemodels.html   Girls need role models to identify with and give them the confidence to excel to their fullest potential. This essay by Sharon Barbano discusses the important contribution many female athletes have made to girls as heroes, leaders, and role models. In the past the lack of athletic female role models caused the majority of past and present female athletes to find their mentors in brothers, fathers, and male coaches.    How Women Can Find Mentors in a World of Few Role Models  http://www.tamug.tamu.edu/acswcc/mentor.html   This article was originally published in the Wall Street Journal as a means of educating women managers on how to get the mentoring they needed when there were few female role models in the corporate world. Some of the suggestions include broaden your definition of the term "mentor," build a board of mentors that is constantly changing, market yourself to a prospective mentor, and give back to others what has been given to you by mentoring.    My Hero  http://myhero.com/home.asp   This is an educational non-profit interactive website that promotes anyone as a potential hero. Stories are included on people who have made a difference in the world: some living, some died. This site is a celebration of the best of humanity. Visitors of all ages can create their own My Hero web page to be included on this site.    Are Female Protégés Better Off with Male Mentors?  http://www.umich.edu/conferences/mentoring/female.html   Major Janice Knackstedt from the Royal Military College of Canada has written a professional paper on women using males as mentors. Women still face a glass ceiling limiting their upward mobility within organizations. One of the proven methods for getting ahead is having a mentor to teach a mentee the necessary skills for promotion and success in any organization.    Canadian Youth Business Foundation Mentoring Resource Centre  "Women Mentoring Women for Mutual Growth" http://www.cybf.ca/insight/mentoring/articles/article.htm   This feature article describes the ways in which women need to establish connections with other women who can mentor them and provide an opportunity to allow for personal and professional growth. Specific steps and suggestions for finding a mentor are discussed. Site includes article archives.   The Path to Failure - Men of Principle  http://www.angelfire.com/il/legate/black.html   This essay discusses the elements behind the lack of identity for many inner city black youth that contribute to failure in school and in life. There are four factors that come together in the black male's life that move him off course. These factors are [1] an inadequate and distorted definition of manhood, resulting in a self-defeating attitude toward sex and the male-female relationship; [2] a confusion about, and a preoccupation with a superficial cultural blackness; [3] a basic mistrust of American institutions; [4] and the absence of a positive male authority figure in the home.  Return to Index
	Chapter 8: Mutuality and Resonance
	Interpersonal Relationships on the Net  http://www.geocities.com/Athens/8586/inter.html   This is a personal website that asks several questions about how the Internet is being used to promote virtual interpersonal relationships. What kind of relationships have people formed on the Web? What are their expectations, and what were the realities? How do cyber-friends differ from "real-world" friendships? Is there a shift in how people think when they are communicating on the Net? Site content should make you think critically about how you use the Internet resources.    Searching for Utopia in Her Eyes  http://cent.com/abetting/Foltz929.html   Todd Foltz presents an essay on how Generation Xers are dealing with the love. "Many of my friends are amazed that I come from a home in which my parents are still happily married. My parents have been through some rough spots, but they persevered. Most of my friends never had the chance to see two adults work out their differences amicably. They saw their parents trade up for a better model. We may not have the job or the house or the car, but for a while, at least, we can have that beautiful lover."  Return to Index
	Chapter 9: Embeddedness
	The Feeling of Community  http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/hstein/social.htm   How we relate to the world around us depends on how connected we are to the different segments of our lives. This site provides a graphical diagram describing the standard type of relationships that exist in relationship to our self. Our feeling of embeddedness in life depends on the range of our circles. Our feeling of community revolves around the thinking, feeling, and actions of our everyday lives. This site is produced and linked to the Alfred Adler Institute in San Francisco.    Sex and Marriage: An Introduction to the Cultural Rules Regulating Sexual Access and Marriage  http://daphne.palomar.edu/marriage/   Marriage is a glue in the organization of society. Selecting a marriage partner is very much a culturally defined process. Love and sexual compatibility are not always the basis for selecting a spouse. The marriage agreement consists of four categories of rights and obligations: agreeing to exclusive sexual access, having and caring for children, accepting a division of labor, and agreeing to extend kinship bonds to the spouse's relatives. Cross-cultural marriage, sex links, and a glossary are available.    Indian versus Non-Indian Cultural Values  http://www.bluecloud.org/13.html   Cultural values and commonly held beliefs within a society are the mortar that hold the group together. The cultural life of the Native Americans is as varied as the tribal nations. There are nearly three hundred distinct American Indian Nations presently in the United States. Each has its own language and history, its own sacred places and rituals. Each is rooted in and part of the land out of which it grew, with traditional values and spiritual beliefs connected to the present. This page offers a comparison of traditional Indian versus the Non-Indian cultural values in such areas as family, health, ownership, work, age, and religion.  Return to Index
	Chapter 10: Tending (Care)
	Effects of Involved Fathering  http://fathersworld.com/fulltimedad/stevesarchives/16eff.html   This article originally appeared in Full-Time Dads: The Magazine for Caregiver Fathers in July 1995. Several areas of research have shown that children need more than economic security to thrive, and that father involvement contributes to children's development in unique and different ways. Fathers are just as important as mothers are in their children's lives.    Carol Gilligan: In a Different Voice  http://www.afirstlook.com/docs/Gilligan   Women have traditionally had the role of nurturer, caretaker, and helpmate in a man's life cycle, yet men have tended to assume or devalue that care. Traditional research has created categories by which development is assessed and was derived from research on men. As a result, the thinking of women is often classified with that of children. The most pressing item for future research on adult development is the need to delineate in women's own terms the experience of their adult life.   Dancing on the Edge  http://www.wie.org/j10/deb.html   An interview between What Is Enlightenment? online magazine and Harvard psychologist Elizabeth Debold, co-author of the 1993 best-seller "Mother Daughter Revolution: From Good Girls to Great Women," and a consultant to Ms. Foundation. The discussion focuses on how she felt her two primary fields of study--women's psychology and spiritual life--corresponded or diverged, and what her research had revealed about the promises and perils of the spiritual path for female seekers.    Peter Suber, "Self-Determination and Selfhood"  http://www.earlham.edu/~peters/writing/emerson.htm   Self-determination or self-hood: in neither case do we ask where the self's own choices came from. On the individualistic model, they may have come from a transcendental reason; on the social model, from internalized cultural norms inflected by experience. There may well be layers to the self, like layers to an onion, thus we cannot firmly distinguish what one truly desires from what one has been cultivated to desire. Suber is a professor of philosophy at Earlham College in Richmond, Indiana.  Return to Index
	Chapter 11: Sex Differences in Relatedness
	Commit To What?  http://www.equalzone.com/visitors/wp2_8_2.htm   Traditional gender roles have expected men to leave all of the home, family and relationship aspects of life up to women, who trained for this by playing house with Barbie and Ken. Since this is their expected role, many women try to control virtually everything that makes up committed relationships. This includes somehow getting the man to commit to the relationship she is developing usually based on her feelings and from her point of view. Therefore, men have no real ownership in a committed relationship.    FamilyTrack: Links for Interpersonal Relationships - Dating and Mate Selection  http://www.familytrack.com/ira.htm   This site contains links to a variety of websites related to dating and mate selection. Some of the linked categories included are maintaining a relationship, mate selection, teens and going steady, cohabitation (living together), and making better choices in relationships.    The Nature of Man and Woman  http://www.neo-tech.com/advantages/   Few people can formulate integrated philosophical systems that encompass the integration of philosophy with psychology, physiology, and the material world to form Neo-Tech. Neo-Tech is a noun or adjective meaning fully integrated honesty. Neo-Tech allows the guiltless creation of earned power, prosperity, and romantic love. Romantic love integrates the mind and body of a man and a woman. Read all the Neo-Tech Advantages in order. Wait until you have completed all 114 Neo-Tech Advantages before you pass judgment.    A Woman's Space: Between Us…Perfect Husbands (& Other Fairy Tales): Demystifying.  http://wospace.cnation.com/BetweenUs/husbands.html   That's No Man, That's My Husband! Good husbands occasionally end up painfully emasculated, wearing an apron, and picking up the broken dishes. A man, in terms of Western culture, is unmanned when he marries. He becomes a husband instead of a man; marriage is the process whereby masculinity is replaced by domesticity. Is this confused reality or the idealized images created by the media? The idea that women can change their role as wives and thereby redefine marriage offers a false sense of hope. This page offers excerpts from Dr. Barreca's book "Perfect Husbands (& Other Fairy Tales): Demystifying."   Women Lead With Their Hearts - A White Paper  http://www.planetarypub.com/WWP/WWP1.html   This site offers the professional papers of Doc Childre, CEO of HeartMath LLC in Bolder Creek, CA with the distinct purpose of educating women to better ways of caring for themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. The heart is an internal organ with a direct purpose, more than finding love. It is the pump that keeps the body's lifeblood circulating and is operational only if it's kept fine-tuned. Empowerment and self-acceptance are major steps in reducing overload on the heart.    Gender Roles  http://www.uakron.edu/hefe/flsp/note3.htm   Gender is the concept of maleness or femaleness, and is basic in all social interactions. It refers to physical characteristics, social behaviors, characteristic self-image, psychological tendencies, behavioral tendencies, and abilities that allow us to differentiate between men and women, male and female. Is the cause of gender roles biological or cultural? Traditional male and female behavior in American culture is not traditional in other cultures; different cultures have different values placed on gender.    The Intimate Warrior: The Challenging Role of Husbands and Fathers  http://www.pgi.edu/progress/prog6/marin.htm   A man’s identity is based on separation, and so is threatened by intimacy. What is really needed to prepare a man to be alife-giving husband and father? The process of building intimate relationships is not for weaklings, but for courageous men. This scholarly research paper supports the view that a man’s intimate involvement with his family produces achievements that give personal satisfaction and nourishment to him, his family unit, and society. This is a powerful strength for the family system.  Return to Index
	Chapter 12: Notes on Love
	The Future of Love -- Utne Reader cover section  http://utne.completeis.com/love/index.html   We pin our hopes for happiness on romantic love at a very early age. The yearning for fulfillment through love seems to be part of our psychic structure. The romantic mythical characters used in our culture create an illusion that love is simply too powerful, too shattering and exquisite, to be bound by anything so routine as marriage or a long-term domestic arrangement. Personal intimacy is actually quite a new idea in human history and was never part of the marriage ideal before the 20th century. Where do we go from here as we approach the new millennium?    How to Create More Fulfilling Love Relationships  http://www.datasync.com/~jenn/love_relationships.htm   What is love? Love is an emotion, a feeling, a wanting, and a "being." You may "fall" into infatuation, but you never "fall" in love. Love is a decision. You love to the degree you’re happy. Sex is the one key element that distinguishes a romantic relationship from all other types. "Make love a priority over getting what you want." "Take responsibility for your own feelings." These are just some of the creative suggestions about love that Jennifer Hautman has provided to this multi-linked site.    The New Electronic Relationship Advisor  http://www.pan-arts.com/era/   This site offers advice and access to Internet on-line relationships. Testimonials are available of how people met their "true love" in cyberspace. The creators of the site met on-line and married just more than a year ago. There are surveys about what information is important to share when you are in a live chat-room with people from around the world. A group of essays are found here to help in providing real life experiences about electronic dating and the potential for disappointment.    The Rising Price of Love - Dr. Patrick Dixon  http://www.globalchange.com/books/rplintro.htm   Dr. Patrick Dixon of the United Kingdom originally published his book, "The Rising Price of Love" in 1995. He now offers it electronically in full-text at this site. Much of his discussion centers on how technology and change had forced a "ruining" of societal values with current topics such as cloning, cyberbanking, Viagra, genetic abnormalities due to invitro-fertilization (IVF), AIDS, date rape, sexual abuse, and divorce. A complete bibliography is included as it appeared in the print version.    Romance 101  http://www.rom101.com/articles1.htm   Fifteen separate categories on this indexed list cover topics of romance such as love, kissing, dating, communication, men, sex, and women, as well as offering links to online resources. This site also includes poetry, ideas and advice on love and romance, humor, tests and games, as well as miscellaneous links to love and romance. Club Romance 101 is an online love connection.   Falling In Love  http://www.uakron.edu/hefe/flsp/note7.htm   Romantic love is made up of three parts: attachment, caring, and intimacy. When conditions are right, romantic love can be found with these favorable elements: social conditions, personal conditions, and relationship conditions. There are also gender differences in how love is conceived: males tend to trade affection and commitment for sexual intimacy and access; females tend to trade sexual intimacy for commitment and affection. It is very rare for a person to be in love with more than one person at a time.  Return to Index

Additional Resources Relating to AP151 Course Materials

	Oxytocin Sites
	What is Chemistry and Chemicals in Love Relationships?  http://www.cyberparent.com/love/chem1.htm   Chemistry in love and relationships is fueled by actual chemicals in our brains, causing chemical highs related to romantic love.When we identify someone who can finish our childhood business and give us back what we lost to the socialization process of growing up is usually when the chemical blast occurs. The chemical oxytocin has been termed "the cuddling chemical" and makes women and men calmer and more sensitive to the feelings of others. Many other chemicals are involved in maintaining love.   How Bodies are Built for Sociability - Oxytocin  http://www.as.wvu.edu/~tmiles/social.html   This article originally appeared in the New York Times and discusses the needs of humans for sociability, affection, and love as part of the species survival kit. Many chemicals are involved with the human body and brain to effectively regulate a balance between bodily function and emotions. Oxytocin in one of many chemicals contained in the brain that modulates the many changes in body and behavior, especially in mother-infant bonding.    Mothering and Oxytocin  http://wsrv.clas.virginia.edu/~rjh9u/oxytocin.html   The first studies of oxytocin were conducted in 1968 at Rutgers University. It was discovered that this chemical was responsible for the mothering behavior and nurturing between a female rat and her newborns. Oxytocin produces the uterine contractions of birth and lactation in new mothers. High levels of oxytocin are found in the mother's milk, suggesting this hormone may play a role in making the mother-infant attachment mutual.   The Biology of True Love  http://www.oxytocin.org   The artwork alone at this site is worth the visit. This site is part of a larger manifesto on the molecular biology of paradise and how our genetically enriched descendants will likely view us in the context of the world we have created. If the right sort of psychochemical cocktail is automatically triggered whenever anyone one knows is present or recollected, then we can combine absolute, unconditional and uninhibited love for each other with a celebration of the diversity of genes and cultures.  Return to Index
	Poetry Sites
	About Love & Relationships  http://inferno.cshore.com/bpfrommer/newpage3.htm   The winning entries from the Blue Mountain Arts' poetry contest are listed in full-text on this personal webpage. The themes of all the poems are love, romance, and relationships. Enjoy these offerings as "life is so short, make the most of every single day with one another."    Creating Love   http://www.mindbodysoul.com/corpus/body/love/creating/main.html   Have you ever tried to put your feelings and emotions for another person successfully into words? This site allows you to create love letters by selecting just the right words, reading and writing poetry, or fill in the blanks on a questionnaire to find your dream lover. Rules for the lost art of flirting are laid out as principles, and six easy steps for asking out a prospective date are included as a means of increasing your chances of getting a date. This site also includes a testing center, counseling center, and a recovery center for all phases of managing a relationship. Free memebership sign-up required on main page for access to some resources.    Joan Barton: Truce & Trust  http://www.poetrycafe.com/anbart03.html   This site contains two poems that entwine with each other about truce and trust, and the space between us. It might best be related to the Yang and Yin of the male and female differences in relating to one another, especially when there is a rough spot in the relationship.    Sgtpepper.Com - Lyrics - Within You Without You  http://www.sgtpepper.com/withinuwithoutulyric.htm   The lyrics to the Beatles song "Within You Without You", written in 1967 by George Harrison, talk about the space between us all and the possibilities for loving everyone, ourselves included. The constant refrain of "and life flows on within you and without you" gives rise to the destiny of the future. The full song lyrics are contained at this site.  Return to Index
	CyberRelationships Sites
	SocialNet.com  http://www.relationships.com   This is a commerical site that requires you to register if you want to post a message in one of three areas: Relationships.com for dating and romance; JustPlay! for meeting new friends to share your favorite recreation activites; Roommates for finding people to share your living space; or WorkingNetwork for making valuable connections in your profession or industry. All these sites are FREE and paid for by the site advertisers, so it should not cost you a cent. Remember -- you don't have to buy anything, or post anything to this site if you feel uncomfortable. Friendship Formation in Cyberspace: Analysis of a National Survey of Users  http://www.iaginteractive.com/emfa/friendship.htm   This is a scholarly research paper, prepared by James E. Katz, Ph.D. and Philip Aspden, Ph.D., entitled "Friendship Formation In Cyberspace: Analysis of a National Survey of Users", supported by a grant from the John and Mary R. Markle Foundation. Their research conclusions are as follows: It may be that those who are skilled in computer communication are also more skilled in transmitting the social cues necessary for friendship formation. Currently many users, especially recent arrivals, find the Internet cumbersome and difficult to use. This may, in turn, inhibit friendship formation. Research was conducted in 1997-1998.    CyberPsychologist - Online Self-Help Service  http://www.cyberpsych.com/main.html   Robert F. Sarmiento, Ph.D., of Houston, Texas, offers himself online as the CyberPsychologist to answer questions and offer advice to any Internet surfer who wants or needs it. In his section on improving relationships, he offers this advice "When it comes to relationships, many of us buy into overly romanticized fantasies of love. You know the living happily ever after thing. The problem is there are no Cinderellas or Prince Charmings, just us human beings." If you want online advice, it will cost you.  Return to Index
	Marriage and Family Sites
	!DivorceNet: Family Law Advice on Divorce, Child Support, Custody, Visitation, Alimony, etc.  http://www.divorcenet.com   This is a resource site for every aspect and phase of divorce. There are multiple links to all areas of state law on divorce, covering almost every state in the United States. There are subject related links to Family Law sites, bulletin boards, DivorceNet chat-rooms, and many legal resource sites. There is even a link to get your lawyer involved in helping with the site.    FamilyTrack: Strengthen Your Family with Fun!  http://www.familytrack.com   The Family Track organization offers retreats for couples to enhance togetherness. There is an online marriage survey for you to complete (closing date is June 1, 1999) in which the winner s get 50% discount off on of the Murder Mystery & Marriage Weekend. For families with children, there is an online activity center which provides links to storytelling and teaching children about money.    Parenting Through Work  http://sageplace.com/Parenting_Work.htm   Parenting has never been easy, and for those of you with children there have been times when you are at your wit's end. This site offers various and varied topics, with quotable, hallmark sayings by famous and not-so-famous parents, about coping with the realities of the moment. Some of the subjects include Parenting/Motherhood, Pleasure, Women, Wisdom, Priorities, Spirituality/God, and Risks. You may even find you will tape some of these sayings on your bathroom mirror for sanity.    A Woman's Space: Between Us...Separation Anxiety...  http://wospace.cnation.com/BetweenUs/Betw_Separation.html   This article, by a mother who reenters the workforce when her child is one year old, initially feeling comfortable in her decision, finds she is fully consumed with anxiety and physically sickness when she is separated from her child, who is left with a babysitter. Separation anxiety affects many people in different ways, especially mothers disconnected from their children for the first time since the pregnancy Read what other mothers have to say about this very traumatic event.   Smart Marriages Home  http://www.smartmarriage.com   This site is sponsored by the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC in Washington, D.C. The organization promotes marriage, couples, and families through educational workshops and conference, offers contacts to organizational members via a directory, and the largest area of the site is articles and information section. This area provides full-text articles from scholarly and popular publications related to the topic of marriage.   Making Marriages Last  http://www.bestyears.com/marriagelast.html   The Conways have made this a site for people in their middle years and in the middle of their marriages. They conducted their own survey of mid-aged married people to find out what worked and what didn't. The biggest factor they found for couples staying together was commitment to making the marriage work and good communications. There are reasons why middle-aged people divorce, yet from this study it was found, "Midlife marriage partners, in order to hold together, must swim upstream."   The Couples Place  http://www.couples-place.com   Resources for marriage and other committed relationships are available at this site. An online learning community for solving marriage problems, improving relationship skills, celebrating marriage, and achieving happiness with your partner. Online relationship courses are available via e-mail for a small fee, covering topics such as listening skills and working on your relationship-- alone. Participation in the Relationship Adventure program does require an annual fee to become a member.   Divorce, Remarriage & Stepparenting  http://www.uakron.edu/hefe/flsp/note19.htm   This site offers guidance on how to survive divorce without letting it destroy your future. When considering remarriage, do your homework and complete a realistic self-analysis-- know yourself better, know your good points, and what you need to work on. Make sure you are ready to jump right in-- no reservations. Blended families create extra tension in a remarriage and stepchildren have special needs, loyalties, and considerations. Stepfamily members have experienced important losses and have to create new roles for resolving family difficulties. Suggestions for helping a blended family succeed are also included here.  Return to Index
	Dating Sites
	Maintaining a Relationship  http://www.couns.msu.edu/self-help/relationship/htm   Michigan State University Counseling Center offers lots of common-sense advice through this website. Some of it is as follows: "Pay close attention to similarity factors early in the relationship. This should ensure that you don't get off on the wrong foot." "Open, honest communication is always best." "Be nice to one another," as this could be the most important factor in any long-term relationship. There are links to other areas affecting any relationship, so check them out.    Picking Good People  http://www.leaderu.com/everystudent/drinking/cloud/cloud.html   Many of us know what is right and wrong, comfortable and uncomfortable when dealing with people. For those of us who are still having difficulties in choosing the right people, this website offers education and information on making better choices in relationships. It has been determined that poor relational choices are self-inflicted but can be changed with a little work. Henry Cloud, Ph.D., who offers many good pieces of advice to deal with problem people of our choosing, prepared this site.    Stress & Relationships  http://external.aomc.org/stressrelationship.html   The Argnot Ogden Medical Center in Elmira, New York has provided this website to combat all forms of stress. There are many full-text articles about couples and stress, children and stress, families and stress, chronic illness and stress, as well as an area on successful arguing. Every one of these areas produces stress on people, yet the effects of stress can better be dealt with if there are coping strategies in place. Check out these links to maximize the opportunity for better health.    University of Buffalo Counseling Center - Relationship Information for Students  http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/Relationships/   The Counseling Center of the University of Buffalo has provided a very complete site on relationship resources for the college student. Suggestions for beginning a relationship include how to build a friendship, where to meet people on or off campus, communication and listening skills, dealing with loneliness, and common questions and answers about relationships. Coercion and date rape are also discussed. Advice is also given as to where to seek help if things are not going well for you.    Romance: The New Cold War  http://www.canoe.ca/CNEWSLifeArchive/jun21_war.html   After three decades of feminist striving, things have changed for both men and women. This article discusses men's reactions to some of the changes: loss of courtesy; language is rougher; women are tougher; and delicacy is dead. In these gender wars, there's evidence that men are much more interested and concerned about defining what it means to be a man. The idea of romantic love as been devalued in a world of casual, mechanized sex and a climate where much of the energy that used to go into courtship now goes into protecting ourselves from each other.  Return to Index
	Recommended Reading Related To AP 151 Lectures
	Going the Distance: Finding and Keeping Lifelong Love  by Lonnie G. Barbach and David L. Geisinger   New York: NAL/Dutton; Feb. 1993. ISBN: 0452269482    How to Survive the Loss of a Love  by Melba Colgrove, Harold H. Bloomfield and Peter McWilliams   Prelude Press; Nov. 1993 ISBN: 0931580439 (Out-of-Print)    In A Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development  by Carol Gilligan   Harvard University Press; Sept. 1993 ISBN: 0674445449    Life Launch: A Passionate Guide to the Rest of Your Life  by Frederic M.Hudson and Pamela D. McLean   Hudson Press; March 1995 ISBN: 1884433847    Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem  by Gloria Steinem   Little Brown & Co.; Jan. 1993 ISBN: 0316812471    The Knight in Rusty Armor  by Robert Fisher   Wilshire Book Co; May 1989 ISBN: 0879804211   The Little Prince  by Antoine de St Exupery   Harcourt Brace; Oct. 1982 ISBN: 0156465116   The Princess Who Believed in Fairy Tales: A Story for Modern Times  by Marcia Grad   Wilshire Book Co; May 1995 ISBN: 087980436X    The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth  by M. Scott Peck, M.D.   [2nd Edition]Simon & Schuster; Jan. 1998 ISBN: 0684847248   Things will be Different for My Daughter: A Practical Guide to Building Her Self-Esteem and Self-Reliance  by Mindy Bingham and Sandy Stryker with Susan Allstetter Neufeldt Ph.D.   Penguin USA; Feb. 1995 ISBN: 0140241256  Return to Index
	Recommended Viewing
	When Harry Met Sally  Starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan   Written by Nora Ephron   Movie Theater Release Date: 1989; MGM/UA Studios Contemporary Classics Catalog#: 206752; ASIN: 0792837207 (Amazon.com Stock Identification Number); Run Time: 96 minutes. Rated: R  Return to Index

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